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We pulled up to the guard gate and told him, “We’re studs.” Seven women and 20 men were collected in a room lavishly furnished with metal folding chairs and a cafeteria-style fold-up table–confirming my theory that Hollywood “glamour” is a facade perpetrated to make people in the Mid-West buy products they don’t need and watch inane shows like STUDS. I was expecting to be in a room full of models in-between shoots. Of course, all the guys were acting real cool, like, “This better get over quick ’cause I’ve got a date with some stewardess twins.” Most people just crossed their arms and pondered their rich social lives. Did they think that the entertainment value of these responses would somehow be enhanced by a lighting crew and camera? After about an hour and a half, a group of four women and six men were asked to stay, fill out some forms, and come back next week for the final interview. Well, two days before our second interview, my brother-in-studliness decided he had too much to do to make another trek to Los Angeles.Instead I found an assortment of off-duty pizza delivery guys and unemployed stoners (“You mean you work with stone? Finally, a big, loud, Oprah-looking woman came into the room to conduct the interviews. The fact that his girlfriend found the idea less-than-amusing wasn’t discussed.I was all but broken when, in a surge of insanity–like the one needed to take the innitial bungee leap off the bridge– I grabbed my tube of Clearasil cover-up and headed to L. After lying about how often I date, The show called the next day and told me to keep the following week open.

For the next week, “Have you gone on your dates yet? Only occasionally interspersed with, “do you know who the other guy is? He looked like a cross between a 90210 character and an otter. She flashed her “Roxbury”, “Bar One”, and “Tripps” V. She was going to go to a celebrity after-Oscars party but didn’t want to take her male friend from “Beverly Hills 90210” because she’s tired of being harassed by the press. She also let me know that she was currently Miss Teen Georgia and was looking to settle down in the next few years and let some rich man take care of her.Everyone stayed in the room while one person stood in the center and answered the woman’s questions. If this wasn’t enough to make my confidence fade, my complexion did its part to sabotage my appearance.A fury of blemishes unlike I’d ever faced seemed intent on destroying my studly self-image.But the most painful slap was when #1 picked Darren.Sometimes the bungee pulls taught a little harsher than you expected.

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